All roads have led to this —

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my early twenties I was chewed up and spit out by the conventional medical system — with invasive exams, and a prescription-symptom game of whack-a-mole, putting a new spin of understanding to the term “practising” medicine. It was unanimously agreed upon that there’s nothing more we can do for you except for pain management or “it’s all in your head.”

So I went to my head. I talked through the stories. I did the therapy. I’ve gone through my childhood with a fine-toothed comb. I’ve breathed through the yoga poses, the breath work workshops, the energy healing sessions, the past life regressions, the cold showers, the detox cleanses, the shamanic ceremonies, the osteopathic, acupuncture, Chinese Medicine, and every other alternative treatment I could sneak onto my line of credit. 

1.

IF ONLY I BELIEVED MORE,

then I could finally experience the miracles hanging on every dangling carrot. But I didn’t get close, and I felt even worse because it must be me — I must be doing something wrong.

“I must be doing something wrong” and the guilt that comes with it, are relentless motivators to seek answers. The truth is, I thought I was doing something wrong long before. But what? And how do I “fix” it?

I bought my first Tarot deck at age 11, and spent the latter half of my upbringing training as a professional dancer. I was a dancer by day, mystic by night. Later in my teens, I expanded to two parallel modalities — astrology and yoga. This led me straight to shamanic studies, and by the time I became a Family Constellations facilitator I was in my mid-twenties, physically sick, and already a couple of years into my professional client practice.

I had been looking for a guide to help me find my way and give me the answers, or at the very least alleviate my pain. Like a true psychology 101 cliche, I began guiding others. 

For 7 years I worked one-on-one with my clients, using a full spectrum of alternative methods to explore and uncover answers, direction, understanding, and clarity from simultaneously higher and deeper perspectives. As a long-standing client told me, “You provide me with perspective I would not have access to otherwise.” 

2.

I had become adept at seeing people — their stories, their patterns, their underlying motivations, and the discrepancies between their logical and behavioural pathways and the dynamic that caused it.

Is this helpful? Well, it leads to understanding. But does understanding lead to change? Well… If I’m being honest, not so much. 

So what was my conclusion?

BEWARE OF UNEARNED WISDOM.

If it doesn’t come from, or from within you, it’s not yours to keep. 

Within the many modalities that I’ve used in my practice, and even taught, there was always something that didn’t feel right. This made me keep moving, only taking along the essence of each system. For example, Tarot and Astrology play with the elements of every archetypal story on both macrocosmic and microcosmic levels, while Family Constellations reveal the movement of present issues and their relationship within greater systemic dynamics. 

Through working with clients on personal, creative, professional, and purpose-driven issues, patterns, through literal, symbolic, mythic, and essential perspectives, become identifiable. 

“Has there been any stress in your life recently?” Asked almost every doctor that I’d seen over a span of several years. With an overwhelming, yet suppressed, urge to roll my eyes and grind my teeth, I would reply, “Yes, but – “, only to never be able to finish my sentence. “Chronic and debilitating pain and illness IS stressful!” I’d want to shout. I’m not exaggerating much when I say that I would be swiftly interrupted by a prescription of antidepressants, frequently accompanied by raised eyebrows, or even worse, an understanding smile. And ta-da! Problem solved. I think not.

To be fair, I understand that when a patient’s illness has not been diagnosed, to address stress is not a bad place to start. Medical research estimates as much as 90% of illness and disease is stress-related.

3.

IF I ONLY KNEW

what in the world that meant and what to do about it, because antidepressants was not the answer I was looking for. I’d come across Dr. Gabor Maté’s When the Body Says No, where the studied link between stress and inauthenticity made a strong case. With the suppression of emotions leading to the chronic secretion of stress hormones, and the subsequent increase in, for instance, cortisol, the immune system is suppressed. This is the mind/body connection that I sought to understand and apply to myself. Here’s the kicker, to attempt to move beyond stress through stress is like

A NEVER ENDING BATTLE.