All roads have led to this —

y

my early twenties I was chewed up and spit out by the conventional medical system — with invasive exams, and a prescription-symptom game of whack-a-mole, putting a new spin of understanding to the term “practising” medicine. It was unanimously agreed upon that there’s nothing more we can do for you except for pain management or “it’s all in your head.”

1.

So I went to my head. I talked through the stories. I did the therapy. I’ve gone through my childhood with a fine-toothed comb. I’ve breathed through the yoga poses, the breath work workshops, the energy healing sessions, the past life regressions, the cold showers, the detox cleanses, the shamanic ceremonies, the osteopathic, acupuncture, Chinese Medicine, and every other alternative treatment I could sneak onto my line of credit. 

IF ONLY I BELIEVED MORE,

then I could finally experience the miracles hanging on every dangling carrot. But I didn’t get close, and I felt even worse because it must be me — I must be doing something wrong.

“I must be doing something wrong” and the guilt that comes with it, are relentless motivators to seek answers. The truth is, I thought I was doing something wrong long before. But what? And how do I “fix” it?

I bought my first Tarot deck at age 11, and spent the latter half of my upbringing training as a professional dancer. I was a dancer by day, mystic by night. Later in my teens, I expanded to two parallel modalities — astrology and yoga. This led me straight to shamanic studies, and by the time I became a Family Constellations facilitator I was in my mid-twenties, physically sick, and already a couple of years into my professional client practice. 

2.

I had been looking for a guide to help me find my way and give me the answers, or at the very least alleviate my pain. Like a true psychology 101 cliche, I began guiding others. 

For 7 years I worked one-on-one with my clients, using a full spectrum of alternative methods to explore and uncover answers, direction, understanding, and clarity from simultaneously higher and deeper perspectives. As a long-standing client told me, “You provide me with perspective I would not have access to otherwise.” 

I had become adept at seeing people — their stories, their patterns, their underlying motivations, and the discrepancies between their logical and behavioural pathways and the dynamic that caused it. Is this helpful? Well, it leads to understanding. But does understanding lead to change? Well… If I’m being honest, not so much. 

3.

So what was my conclusion?

BEWARE OF UNEARNED WISDOM

If it doesn’t come from, or from within you, it’s not yours to keep. 

Within the many modalities that I’ve used in my practice, and even taught, there was always something that didn’t feel right. This made me keep moving, only taking along the essence of each system. For example, Tarot and Astrology play with the elements of every archetypal story on both macrocosmic and microcosmic levels, while Family Constellations reveal the movement of present issues and their relationship within greater systemic dynamics. 

Through working with clients on personal, creative, professional, and purpose-driven issues, patterns, through literal, symbolic, mythic, and essential perspectives, become identifiable. 

“Has there been any stress in your life recently?” Asked almost every doctor that I’d seen over a span of several years. With an overwhelming, yet suppressed, urge to roll my eyes and grind my teeth, I would reply, “Yes, but – “, only to never be able to finish my sentence. “Chronic and debilitating pain and illness IS stressful!” I’d want to shout. I’m not exaggerating much when I say that I would be swiftly interrupted by a prescription of antidepressants, frequently accompanied by raised eyebrows, or even worse, an understanding smile. And ta-da! Problem solved. I think not.

To be fair, I understand that when a patient’s illness has not been diagnosed, to address stress is not a bad place to start. Medical research estimates as much as 90% of illness and disease is stress-related.

IF I ONLY KNEW

what in the world that meant and what to do about it, because antidepressants was not the answer I was looking for. I’d come across Dr. Gabor Maté’s When the Body Says No, where the studied link between stress and inauthenticity made a strong case. With the suppression of emotions leading to the chronic secretion of stress hormones, and the subsequent increase in, for instance, cortisol, the immune system is suppressed. This is the mind/body connection that I sought to understand and apply to myself. Here’s the kicker, to attempt to move beyond stress through stress is like

A NEVER ENDING BATTLE

4.

LIKE A DRUG,

a “fix” is addictive, and not what I’ve truly been looking for at all. I want a solution. The kind that solves a problem without creating other ones, and moves me forward to new experiences. 

This is where it gets personally irritating. Because it all comes down to this — integrity. You know, the whole “the way you do anything is the way you do everything,” and you’re all aligned and peaceful and shit. 

But if being authentic is to live according to my truth, then how can I see the truth clearly when I’m overwhelmed? 

When I decided to make truth the driving force in my life, it wasn’t because I thought it was a good idea, but because the alternative had become unbearable. Every area I tried to grow in my life would either stagnate, fall apart, or cap at a certain level. But it’s not a mystery, is it? That’s what happens when you try to build on a foundation that is fundamentally cracked.

I WAS LIVING THREE LIVES

My true self, my persona, and the version of me that was a collection of adaptations formed from judgment. My true self says no more than yes, is picky, knows what I like, want and need, and is way more sensitive than I’d like to be. My persona is the “ideal” easy-going, always perfect —  equally distant as to appear and remain that way, and is impenetrable emotionally. Oh, and I’m always doing everything right, and I’m doing it all. Totally realistic. 

I had come across Bach Flower Essences through the years, but it wasn’t until I was studying with a Bulgarian Psychologist and Astrologer (who also happened to be a Bach Practitioner), that I began learning the system. From there, I entered my own unconventional lab, and began formulating … making formulations based on the symptoms I had, or my clients for theirs. I did not experience the change that I truly wanted long-term and I didn’t see it with my clients either. “It was frustrating” was the understatement of the year.

THE STRONGEST FOUNDATION OF YOUR ENTIRE LIFE IS YOUR TRUTH

5.

To be in your reality is one thing, to see it accurately is another, and to change it for the better, well that often seems to be in another stratosphere. I’ll emphasize: you cannot see clearly when you are overwhelmed by your own mind, and unbalanced emotions stand in the way of seeing clearly. 

It’s not (just) business, it’s personal.

I wanted more for me, and I wanted more for my clients. 

But what I didn’t realize then is that this work provided me with the most profound years of research for my next chapter. I went back to the formulations I’d been working on, because the affects were extraordinary, but they didn’t last. 

Until I went back to nature. There are a million anecdotes for this experience. I’ll use the little girl looking for ladybugs. She searches and searches and searches, until she exhausts herself into a little outdoor nap, only to wake up to ladybugs crawling all over her. 

Through long periods in nature, naturally, the Essences came into sequence, and when I held them up to the systems I knew, it clicked. By definition a system has an order. And so does human development. When right order is applied, progression is natural. Essentially, rebuilding a lasting foundation and subsequent structure of the emotional system. 

Arriving at a higher vibrational state, the frequency of old experiences no longer match. And here, truth can be brought back to a personal level. It comes down to just you and your truth. It also means that when you tell yourself the truth, it’s private, until or if you decide to share it. 

Truth is stranger than fiction. And often a new state of reality is truer than an altered one. Why? Because you always come back to your “normal state” the moment the drug wears off. Whereas with anything that is conscious, you shift the very essence of your “normal state.” This is integrative change. 

6.

After years of looking “within” through meditation, holistic practices, and ancient and new age philosophies to attempt to explain the greater meaning of life. I realized that truth does not exist on a mental level isolated from the physical. And while a great variety of my own admitted dysfunction within myself and my life has been emotional, a solid piece of it has been physical. What a gift it is to be able to differentiate between the two. 

NOTHING IS ISOLATED,

and healing is a close relationship of both. And not to leave you hanging, live blood analysis was a real game-changer. I could finally see the radioactive wasteland of heavy metal overload in my blood due to a multiple-vaccination clusterfuck given to me when I was a teenager, and the parasitic invasion, from which I began to get sicker and sicker… and we return to the very beginning of this story.  

Remember Ebenezer Scrooge? How it seems like everyone else can see the meaning of life but him? He is hyper fixated, or maybe another take on the word fixated is to try to solve by fixing. But to truly solve is like a salve, it soothes, protects, and nourishes, so that it can fix itself. 

7.

IT IS IN NATURE’S AGENDA FOR HUMANS TO BE WHOLE.

To mature from the dependency of childhood to the healthy independence and interdependence of authentic connection. The key within that transition is self-regulation. 

I created the The Truthing Lab to facilitate this process. Why begin with The Essence — a line of Proprietary Formulations of Bach Flower Essences? Because they’re so gentle, that no matter what state you’re in, you can handle the truth. 

8.

Next come The Method, a simplified method into self-honesty, and The Movement, it’s not an idea, ideal, or theory, but arises through action. Beyond the professional dance training, with many more years of yogic trainings both traditional, and, well, ecstatic, which I then taught for a decade, there is something of truth that is revealed through movement. But we’ll save that for another day. 

In case you’re interested, and you’d like to join said movement — pun most definitely intended — check it out here. Tell me what you think. Because, you know, it’s my business… and, it’s personal.

Maya