Photo: Kyle Graham
I wasn’t sure if I was going to post my first and last blog all those months ago. But it called, I answered, and I rolled with it. For me more than anything it was about the act of sharing something personal – not my strongest suit in life (the stuff of past nightmares truly) – and letting myself exercise that muscle. I’m aiming for guns of steel. My expectation versus reality was a little off in terms of outcome… I genuinely thought that it would be read by a couple of members from my friends and family, or more like my mother. Mainly just my mother.
What I’m trying to say is that I never expected the immense outpouring of e-mails and messages that I have received. I won’t even attempt to describe the magnitude of my awe and gratitude, all I can say is that it was nothing short of beautiful. So I want to say thank you, because your words could not have come at a time that mattered to me more. In case you haven’t heard it from someone today (or even if you have, here it is again); you are wonderful and I love you.
A lot of you have been asking how I’ve been, where I’m at – am I alive and well?! I’ve been thinking for a while about what to write… mostly because I haven’t wanted to. Write that is. However, I do want to let you know what’s up, in full honesty because nothing less will do. So here it is, my shorter than last time update. Don’t think I didn’t hear that sigh of relief ;)
It’s been eight months since that last blurb. Perhaps I’ve been waiting for the perfect moment. You know, that moment when it’s all over and I can say “TA-DA! Everything is amazing and I made it and life is beautiful and I’m feeling better than ever and will forever more!” Yay!
Yeah. I hate to burst my own bubble, but I realized that I am actually human and would, in fact, keep myself waiting for a loooong time in hopes of reaching that moment. I just never thought that this crazy, upside down, tornado like phase would last this long. Longer than I ever thought possible. I used to track time in weeks, then months, and now years.
And I’ve learned a harsh albeit valuable lesson. The world doesn’t stop and wait for me to get my shit together. Rude. I can’t drag my feet mumbling, groaning, and complaining along the way. “B-b-but I’m not ready!” To which Life replies, “tough shit.”
Transition is an exceedingly weird place to be. It feels like being tightly suspended by opposite ends, yet desperately wanting to move forward while staying anchored in place, and absolutely everything inside, out, and around is changing. Fast. You all know it’s been a rougher than rough time for me. I’m far from being the only one I must add. Crazy times we live in, people. It’s been a lot to carry, a heavy load that’s taken its toll. But I need to move on where I can, while continuing my healing journey. I just don’t have the luxury of time and resources any longer. My savings have dried up and I’m no longer bedridden. Time to get back to work. To delve into a purpose that drives me forward. Which I’m oh, so excited about in many ways. To be in a position to share my offerings to the world again, from a different place; a deeper place. Let’s just say that the creative juices are flowing.
I have good days, bad days, and ugly days that are not easy to predict and maneuver. Some days you’ll see me up and smiling, postponing, until I can run to bed and soothe my stomach, which sometimes just looks like being a friend and holding her hand through it. It’s tiring. Painful digestive conditions (in my case severe infection, parasites, pathogenic bacteria, SIBO, off the chart inflammation – it hasn’t been a fun collection to suffer through) aren’t uncommon, so I know many of you know what I’m talking about. The simpler activities in life leave me physically exhausted. Though I’ve learned to recognize and appreciate my boundaries. I offer what I know that I can offer and am working to create a space to do so.
So, with that being said, I know that I haven’t provided many details. Shared the whole story. I will, I promise I will. But not now. I need time. Time to heal. Time to conclude. And time to find my way. Build the next phase of my life with the selective amount of energy that I have. I need time to disengage from the dialogue, this storyline that I’ve been wrapped up in for so long. Too long. I ask that I have some time to not talk about it.
Forever your work in progress, I thank you for your endless patience.